This week on RuPaul's Drag U, we learned many important lessons. First, we learned that I always laugh awkwardly when I see anyone on TV with my haircut proportions. It happens with Rachel Maddow when she's wearing her glasses, it happens when the nerdy singer-songwriter moves on to Hollywood on a singing show, and it happened with 2/3 of the contestants on the show this week. I don't understand why this doesn't convince me to change my haircut, but it doesn't.
More importantly, we learned about bra fitting, how to get into a fight with Lady Bunny, unconventional uses for hairspray, and how to bench-press a human being.
First, Lady Bunny taught the three contestants how to properly fit themselves for bras. The traditional way is measuring across the bust, then under the bust, and subtracting to get cup size. A difference of 1 is an A, 2 is a B, 3 is a C, and so on through the sizes.
But that's not nearly as fun as the visual guide. Lady Bunny explains the fruit method. I've compiled it into a handy infographic for future reference. The fruits in question are limes, lemons, oranges, grapefruits, and watermelons.
So Lady Bunny is a whore then? Just kidding. Of course she is. Raunchy, not safe for work reference video for confirmation.
Next, we learned the easiest way to start a fight with Lady Bunny. See what happens when Raven draws attention to Lady Bunny's age.
So remember, if you encounter Lady Bunny on the street, do not mention her age. Do not say she looks good for her age. Do not say she looks older in person. And do not, I repeat, do NOT specify that you will always be younger than her. She will destroy you.
My Pandora Boxx showed up to provide the special Drag Tips for the episode. This week's theme is hairspray.
Aside from the usual hairspray on nylons tip, Pandora clearly describes some more unconventional uses. For example, did you know hairspray extends the life of a live floral display? What about a combination of hairspray and rubbing alcohol to get the toughest stains out of your carpet? The more you know.
Finally, and most relevant to everyday life, contestant Skyler, aka Scorpio, taught us all the proper technique to bench-press a living, breathing human being. The bench-presser has to lay on the ground with her knees bent. Then, the bench-pressee has to sit on the bench-presser's chest. The bench-pressee will kick her legs straight out and cross them. The bench-presser will get a good grip on the flesh and BAM!--we have lift off. Sickening, no?
So there you have it. These are the most valuable life lessons taught by RuPaul's Drag U this week. Use them well.