Reality TV Roundup: And the Winners Are

Almost every single reality show had its finale within the past two weeks to make way for such killer programming as "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here" and "Big Brother."

I figured I would do my media blogging duty and provide a one-stop source for the winners. There were some tight famewhore (as a recovering famewhore, I'm allowed to use that word) races, but in the end, the predictable choice mostly won out.

American Idol:

Winner: Adam Lambert

Ok, the finale is Wednesday night, but could they telegraph an Adam Lambert win any more without using light-up signs and a sandwich board? I doubt it.

Hmm...too hot for TV? Now Lambert is the biggest loser of the season, as he's stuck in the Idol contract for a long time before those big theater producers will have the opportunity to use him again. A husband of a friend works for one of the theater companies that gets a crack at the 19-managed contestants and the only show they have right now he could work in is Rock of Ages. This, of course, is a bit of a step down from the Spiderman Musical Lambert was invited to audition for or, say, doing some work in the Broadway run of Wicked.

Winner: Kris Allen

Go head now, Jason Mraz-modern-top40-folk-type. Another checkbox on Idol's list. Now they just need emo/hipster boy, punk-pop girl, and Hispanic/Asian one hit wonder and they've completed the pop rainbow.

Real winner: Nigel Lythgoe

Whether he was fired or left amicably, the former executive producer of Idol managed to get out before the arrival of Kara. I respect Kara and everything she has done in the music industry, and even like her judging style, but she does not fit in with the bland praise (your aura is a fluffy bunny hippity-hopping all across the lights of the universe), confusion (yo yo dawg that's aight my dawg woof woof (incomprehensible mumbling) pitchy), and bitchyness (blah blah blah cruise-ship blah blah blah audience booing blah blah blah shut up and respect me). Nigel has even gone on to bitch about the show, claiming the bottom three in a given week are anything but, confirming how fake the show really is.

Actual shows with conclusions after the jump.

The Real Housewives of NYC

Winner: Alex McCord

You really think there is no winner in a candid reality show? It's called receiving a good edit, and only one woman did that consistently this season. The lynch-pin was the two hour presentation of a seven+ hour reunion shoot, where Alex smartly kept her mouth closed, dressed like a human being, and did not get into a fight. Bonus points were awarded when she successfully translated just what, exactly, Kelly Killoren Bensimon and Bethenny Frankel were actually fighting about in this scene:

America's Next Top Model

Winner: Teyona Anderson

Nice to see NJ win a show for once and not be made fun of for being from NJ.

Real Winner: The American Public

Paulina Porizkova, the only judge on panel who made sense and lived in reality, was fired from America's Next Top Model on her birthday. She was still required to do the finale promotion junket and has been revealing the real nature of the model behind the curtains. According to Paulina, Tyra shows up late to every judging and does not speak to anyone off camera. Paulina also claims none of the girls have any chance at a legitimate career and Aminat, the only girl she singles out for runway work, would probably need a job at Starbucks to actually survive while modeling. Bonus points duly awarded for not getting sucked into the vortex of the short girl cycle. The tall girls can barely get work from Top Model: what chance do a bunch of 5'6" and under girls have? And you know Tyra's going to cast a plus size girl this cycle just because she really hates us all.

The Amazing Race

Real Winners: Tammy and Victor Jih

How refreshing. A pair of winners who actually raced well and didn't say anything horribly racist or get into massive fights every step of the way. It was like the first season all over again. Thanks for allowing me to enjoy a reality show again, CBS.

The Biggest Loser

Winner: Helen Phillips

At 48 years old, Helen lost 140lbs to take home $250,000.

Real Winners: NBC

NBC casting hedged their bets on having a special winner this season. They cast the youngest contestant (18  years old), the heaviest male contestant (454lbs), the heaviest female contestant (379lbs), and the oldest contestants (63 year old husband/wife team) ever to appear on the show. They wound up being able to play the "age doesn't matter" card when 64 year old Jerry became the oldest at-home prize winner and 48 year old Helen became the oldest winner.

Hell's Kitchen

Winner: Danny Veltri

He goes from working as an executive chef in Florida to "running" a restaurant in the best hotel/casino Atlantic City has to offer: the Borgata. I've played concerts there and cannot stress enough how beautiful this location is and how well-trained and considerate the staff are. This is genuinely a great prize.

Real Winner: Gordon Ramsay

He proved yet again that he is the baddest mother-trucker to grace our TV screens and actually has the skills and reputation to deserve our attention.


Winner: James "J.T." Thomas, Jr.

He gets a million dollars from a show I didn't know was still on the air.

Real Winner: Whoever is earning enough money off of Survivor to actual keep it on the air

Seriously? Survivor is still running? Wow. I found out by chance last night the show still existed. Judging by the smaller than ever before reunion show sound-stage, it has to be on its last legs. Still, someone is earning money somewhere to keep it running.

The Celebrity Apprentice

Winner: Joan Rivers

She beat the "pit viper" "nazi" to take home the title of Celebrity Apprentice at the live finale.

Real Winner: Joan Rivers' charity, God's Love We Deliver

Joan Rivers played for God's Love We Deliver, a NYC charity that provides nutritious meals to people living with serious illness in the greater NYC area. Aside from receiving the huge prize donation from Donald Trump as part of Joan Rivers' victory, GLWD received national press every week on a major network. GLWD is a great charity that deserves all the help it can get. Joan Rivers chose a charity she's personally worked with for years and did the best she could to represent their mission with honor and integrity.

Who Else but Lars? Antichrist @ Cannes

Box Office Results: 15-17 May 2009